I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
