Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
