watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
