I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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