I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Vodka?
Forever.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
