WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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