nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
