I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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