My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
