Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
