i need an iv and a liver transplant
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
