I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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