my mouth tastes like poor choices
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
