Sponge bath it is.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
