She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
there is glitter all over my balls
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
