I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
