It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
