I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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