ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
