I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
