Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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