hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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