he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
