smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
