i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
