shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
