if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
