his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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