I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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