This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
