Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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