I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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