I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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