Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
