You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
