By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
