I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
