I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
