Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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