Umm I'm too high to move.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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