I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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