I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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