that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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