Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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