She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
