I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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