I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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