just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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