I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
