the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
