We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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