Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
