Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
