i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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