but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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