I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
