Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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