As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize